September 12, 2015- I married my best friend.
I haven’t always dated the good guy, or the guy who was willing to make sure I was taken care of, or the guy who even made it a priority to spend time with me. Truth is, like a lot of other women, I went through a heaping pile of no good men before I found Matt, the guy who would make me see my worth.
In high school I wasn’t exactly the pretty one. It’s safe to say I wasn’t the girl everyone was asking to the school dances, out to party, or even “out” at all. So when a guy showed interest in me, of course I was going to fall deeply in love with him and think he was all I could ever get.This leads me to Serious Boyfriend #1.
SBF#1…This guy clearly wasn’t into me, but what he was into consisted of drugs, drinking, partying, and cheating on me. I took him back every time he left, and every time he messed up. I didn’t know better, I thought I needed this guy.
I spent a lot of time alone because of this guy. When he wasn’t around I was lost. Spending a lot of time with someone who was bad for me resulted in losing a lot of friends at the time. Anything I enjoyed doing was put on the back burner or completely forgotten. I was so engulfed with him I didn’t even focus on getting into the colleges I wanted. ( A decision I often look back on and regret)
As they usually do, this bad relationship only became worse. He controlled my life, he controlled what I did, and he controlled how I felt. He also controlled the number of bruises I carried on my body.
This guy would always call late at night. After he was done with his friends, after he was done doing drugs, and way after he was done hanging out with his other girls. This night was different though. He called around 2 in the morning per usual, ( I always kept the phone with me, so I could answer it right away and not wake my Dad) and asked me to meet him down the road. I knew he had been out with his friends and he had been drinking. I knew I should have stayed home. I knew nothing good would come of this, but I met him anyway.
When I finally found him about a quarter of a mile down the road, he was hammered, to say the least. He asked me to go back to his house with him and like always I agreed. On the way though, I got mad, really mad. I was mad that he was drunk, I was mad that he thought he could always call me and I would be there, but most of all I was mad that I let him get away with treating me the way he did. I took the half empty fifth of vodka he had sitting next to him in his car and I dumped it out the window. (You don’t dump an alcoholic’s vodka out the window..mainly because you shouldn’t litter, but also because there are usually repercussions)
He stopped his car and told me to get out. (With more explicit words of course) I did, but instead of walking away I started fighting with him. As he turned to stumble back to his car I grabbed his arm, begging him to please stop drinking, please stop doing drugs; please just love me the way I deserved to be loved. What happened next was only the beginning of a long abusive relationship. He tripped me to the ground, got on top of me and held me down by my throat. I screamed and screamed and screamed until he eventually had enough and got off me to leave, but not before kicking me in the face.
I knew I was better than this, why would I let myself be put through something this awful? It wasn’t that I didn’t want better; it wasn’t even that I couldn’t have had better. I was addicted to an awful person, and thought this was the love I deserved…. It was four years of this relationship, four years of depression, and four years of thinking something was wrong with me and that I wasn’t good enough before I finally walked away…..
Serious boyfriend #2. Right after high school, because I was finally free of the man who treated me awful, I thought I needed to get out. I partied A LOT, I met A LOT of people, and I had A LOT of fun. I figured because I hadn’t chosen a prestige college to go to, I just shouldn’t go at all, so I didn’t.
I was working at Kohl’s at the time and hanging out with co-worker from my department. One night she convinced me to hang out with her and a guy she had been talking to, along with some of his friends. It didn’t take much convincing and before I knew it, I was making out with one of the guys before the night was over. (Was I a little wild? Maybe.) It was clear; I was still at the point in my life where if someone showed me positive attention, I drank it up.
This guy was no better than the first. Drugs, drinking, and other girls were a top priority to him; it seemed that I had a pattern going. Our relationship was pretty serious, on my end anyway. It was about 6 months into dating, and I had basically moved in with him. (Or should I say his parents) Why would I have chosen to date someone with their own place? Because that would have been something a smart, independent girl does….Anyways… Living with him wasn’t terrible. I loved his mom, his step dad, and sister. They treated me like family, and at that point in my life, I need that. I needed a family.
What I didn’t need was a family of my own, and that’s exactly what I was about to get. I knew he had an ex-girlfriend, one who popped up more often than not, but what I didn’t know is that this ex-girlfriend was pregnant with his child. Oh! But that’s not all!! What made things even more interesting was the fact that there was another girl pregnant as well. He was going to be a Dad, not just once, BUT TWICE! How does someone withhold telling their current girlfriend that they’re going to be a dad, times 2!?
Well, if you haven’t guessed it already, I will fill you in on a little secret… I stayed. I stayed with this guy who had been hiding something so HUGE from me. I stayed because, again I didn’t know where to go, who to turn to, and if I would ever find anyone to be with me again..During that stay, like you would assume, things were not good. This guy never laid his hands on me, but it didn’t matter, abuse is still abuse, whether it is physical or mental. He lied constantly. He would tell me I was getting fat, not answer his phone after 5 o’clock on Friday nights, and often use his ex as a way of getting what he wanted. We argued all the time, which usually led to him breaking up with me over text every other week.
I ended up moving out of his parent’s house and back in with my Dad. We stayed together during that time, but he still had his priorities and they didn’t consist of me. I eventually built up enough hate and distrust towards this man that I finally left. I left him and all of his baggage behind.
Serious boyfriend #3. Was this guy ever a refreshing change from the last two? He had a job, he was in college, he was good looking, and we had a ton of things in common. We met at Kohl’s. He was the shoe department boy, I was the make-up department girl, match made in heaven right? We started out by talking every night on Facebook. If he wasn’t online, I would sit and wait. If I wasn’t online, he would sit and wait. If there was a night we didn’t talk, I can honestly say I was sad. He knew everything about me, and I knew everything about him, we were best friends. I think people like to say these types of things are too good to be true..
Our first huge fight consisted of me finding an unusual amount of porn on his computer. I get it, some guys watch porn, but I slept with this guy.. I know what he brought to the table. Was having that much porn necessary for him to do his deed? Doubtful.
Per the usual, SBF #3 began telling me it was his brothers porn (I know some brothers are close, but I didn’t know some were so close they shared their porn), He said his brother would always use his computer and he really wasn’t into that stuff. I, being the intelligent person I am suggested he change his password. That would make sense right? So he did. Well his brother must have been awfully smart because you know what? He guessed it! He guessed SBF #3’s new password. What a guy, he must have been a real scholar….if that was the truth, but it wasn’t.
This is something that always makes me reflect on a certain subject. What makes someone lie to you? If they love you, want to be with you, and don’t want to hurt you, why lie? It’s not hard to grasp the concept of telling the truth, but then again for some, maybe it is….
Anyways, SBF #3 finished his police academy duties and headed out to find a job. When he did, it wasn’t anywhere near our home town. In fact it was a hundred miles away. He started off driving back and forth every day, sometimes even sleeping on the couch at the station if he had to work late, or be there early. It was draining to say the least.
I knew, after a few months, I had to make a decision. I could either leave the life I had here to make things easier on him, or let him go to start a life downstate by himself, where I would constantly worry about what he was doing, where he was, or if he was safe. (As you can see, after he lied, there were trust issues. The way the first two guys treated me didn’t help with the trust issues either) I, being the way I was, chose to go with him. I quit my job, finished up my current semester of college and headed downstate. (Yes I had finally decided to go to school)
Life was good. We had our disagreements here and there, but other than that I was happy. We had our own place, I basically walked onto a job right after we moved, and I still had the man I wanted. Was this it? Did I finally find the one? I thought so..
Then it started. We began to have bigger arguments, a lot of them stemmed from me being a lone all the time. He would leave for work at 2:45 in the afternoon and return at 11 ( if he didn’t get called to some crazy domestic abuse case or pull a car over for a routine traffic stop, just to find out the driver was drunk). Getting home late, meant sleeping in late. We were in a routine together, but it wasn’t a routine I wanted. I wanted to be up early, I wanted to be doing things, and most of all I wanted quality time.
I tried to stay busy. I had work, and school and a hand full of friends, but I didn’t have what I wanted. I wanted to have time with the person I moved for, I wanted us to be on the same page about marriage, and I wanted to know he saw a future for us. I don’t think he ever did.
I tried to be understanding, but I couldn’t get past a lot of things. I couldn’t get past the fact that I tried to explain to him how I felt all the time, and he would tell me I was wrong. I couldn’t get past the fact that if I did want to talk when he got home at night, he would fall asleep during our conversations, even if I was crying. I couldn’t get past the fact of how selfish he was when I made a decision to support him and change my life so he wouldn’t have to be unhappy, and I most certainly couldn’t get past the fact that his Dad went through our computer to see if there were naked pictures of me. (Odd right? )
I’ll admit most fights started with me. I initiated a lot of them, but I wasn’t happy.Nothing was changing, and by now you know, I wasn’t the girl who could walk away from something even if I wasn’t happy. Then one day tragedy struck, events that don’t need to be brought out during this story, but he ended it. He came back twice, apologizing every time for leaving, but very time, he was the one that walked away.
Serious boyfriend # 4. I’m sitting at the Auburn Hotel (Easily the best bar this side of the Mississippi) on a Saturday night a week before Thanksgiving. The front door opens and in walks Matt. THEE MATT, the Matt I had a crush on in high school, the Matt who made me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the Matt who constantly told me to break up with SBF #1. We hadn’t seen each other since high school! As he’s walking in, talking to someone he turns and see’s me. “Heather Johnson, no way, Heather Johnson”. (He says he wasn’t intoxicated, but something tells me he was, ha-ha)
As I am sitting at my table, talking to the guys my friend and I came to the bar to meet, Matt decides he is going to sit right down and fight for my attention. (Also how I know he was drunk – he’s kind of shy) We talked the whole night, about college, life, where we’ve been, where we were going, it was a genuine good time, with a genuinely good guy. He asked to take me to dinner and I accepted.
A week later he called, told me he would pick me up on Friday night and that was that. Let me tell you, I’ve had better first dates with myself. This kid was so nervous, he didn’t even eat. (Now that I’m married to him, I know what can sometimes happen after he eats.. So it’s probably a good thing he didn’t!) We left dinner and do you know what he had planned after that? Nothing! Not one single thing. This kid could hardly talk to me, let alone decide what we were doing next. I wasn’t impressed, but still oddly wanted to be around him.
The first go round of the Heather & Matt story was not what I would say to be “perfect” He had just gotten out of a long term relationship, I had just broken up with SBF #3 for the millionth time…. He was stubborn and selfish, I was stubborn and selfish. He thrived on being alone, I thrived on being together. He thought Sundays were for watching T.V. all day, I thought Sundays were for adventure…We were just not in any position to be dating each other, so we didn’t and we went our separate ways.( Don’t fret, like all good fairy tails, this one has a happy ending 😉 ) It wasn’t easy, it never is. I remember messaging his friends, asking what went wrong, saying sorry, being the needy ex, but eventually I moved on, by myself.
You see, between boyfriends, I never gave myself time. Time to find out what I was capable of, time to be myself, time to figure out what I wanted from life, and this was my time. One of my favorite quotes is from the book Eat Pray Love “I need to change. Since I was 15 I’ve either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy. I have not given myself two weeks of a breather just to deal with myself…So now I have started living my own life. Imperfect and clumsy as it may look, it is resembling me now, thoroughly”
So I did. I lived with my best friend Jake at the time, who was easily the best roommate I’ve ever had. We got drunk together, grilled “bachelor” dinners together, learned all about cross fit together, and struck out on relationships together. He helped me build myself back up from CDC (crying drunk chick; a name that was very well earned) to an independent, strong willed person.
Then, as fate would have it, Matt and I ran into each other, (it may have been at a wedding of mutual friends where we knew we would see each other, but we’ll still call it fate.) We talked that night and the following weeks after that. We both knew getting back into a relationship with one another was not something that should be quick. I learned that I loved time by myself and he learned how to deal with issues as they arose (He was never good at that before). It was in this time that Matt and I really learned about each other. We learned to trust each other, we learned to open up to each other, and most of all we learned to love each other with out fault. It was important to both of us that our relationship was built on a solid foundation….and it was
I remember a specific time in our relationship when I could see the love Matt had for me. It was about a year ago and I was at work. I started getting a headache early on in the afternoon. I tried everything, from drinking a soda, to taking Excedrin. I even left my desk for awhile just take my eyes off of the computer screen. NOTHING was helping. It gradually got worse, to the point I couldn’t even read anymore. A great friend of mine rushed me to urgent care. I had never had a headache that bad! I was scared, I was nervous, and most of all I was in a lot of pain!
After being given meds and pain shots, they released me to go home. Matt, who had left worked and rushed to urgent care, packed me up in the car and rushed me home. He put me right to bed. Not only could I see worry on his face, but I could feel the gentleness in his touch. He didn’t want to see me sick; he didn’t want me to be in pain.
The “headache” lasted for THREE days! (I use quotations-because later we found out it was a virus that had been going around causing all the pain.) In those three days, I saw someone take care of me the way no one has ever taken care of me. He took the days off work, he made sure the house was clean and the animals were taken care of, but most of all he made sure I was okay. There were times I would wake up and he would be checking on me from outside our bedroom window (Kind of creeper status but it was cute) because he was afraid to open the bedroom door and wake me up. There were other times he would come in, cover me up, and just sit with me. This guy had the patience of Mr. Miogi. He would sit down to feed me and not leave until I ate, even if it was just one bite. He was my hero those couple of days and I couldn’t have asked for someone better to be taking care of me.
That solid foundation allowed me to see a whole new Matt. This guy was amazing! He holds doors, he washes dishes, he washes laundry ( which is amazing, except for the time he shrank an $80 sweater, ha-ha) , he washes floors, he cooks dinner, he reminds me everyday how beautiful he think I am, he takes care of our dogs , he leaves me notes in my lunchbox everyday, he holds my hand, he listens-even when he’s not interested, he spends hours at Michael’s with me, he’s taken me on adventures, he’s made me laugh so hard it hurts, he has a strange love for my family (especially Bobby) that I will never take for granted, he kisses me goodnight EVERY night, he pushes me to be better, he’s proud of me, he tucks me in, he buys me books, he surprises me with flowers, he doesn’t walk away when times get hard, he’s always taken care of me when I’m sick, he’s left post it notes around the house with reasons why he loves me, he’s supported me through all of my decisions, he supported me through school, he wipes my tears when I cry, he supports all my crazy dreams, and he dances and sings with me around the house until I’m all danced out….
This leads me to those thousand words I could say about the picture in this blog. The day Matt and I had our wedding pictures re-taken (our original photographer failed to show up on our wedding day) I never had to ask him to grab the train of my dress. I never had to ask him to help me switch from my uncomfortable 4′ heels to my converse and I never had to beg him to get all dressed up for a couple hours, just so we could have pictures for our house. He just did it; he has ALWAYS taken care of me and has always put me first….
That solid foundation we built our relationship on led us to buying our house, working together to make it a home, adopting our fur babies, overcoming health issues, coaching each other through bad days at work, and always coming home to each other every night.
Just the other day when I was telling Matt about my blog of boyfriends he says to me, “I want to be your last serious boyfriend, your last dance, your last kiss, your last love, your last everything”… I hope so too, Matt.
Photo credit to the amazing Dana G! Check out her amazing blog here- http://danagphoto.com/blog/
Love-H
Reclaimed Revival 